Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

Nashville Star, The Final Four Means Whitney No More! 

Oh, the bitter cold!!! Stormy and Dina returned from the balmy 70-degree weather in LA to the frigid cold of Music City. And Stormy is referring to the weather, not the tension in the air between Ma and Pa Hatcher and Anastasia Brown, but more on that later. Fortunately, Stormy remembered to set the DVR for this show, and she’s so glad she did. So many on-camera glances that the studio audience might have missed.


Well, it’s “good-bye Punkin’” as Nashville Star narrows the field to the final four with the elimination of Whitney Duncan. Stormy, quite honestly, didn’t see this coming. She totally thought that Joshua Stevens had a ticket home on this show. Even though the judges were impressed, Stormy found Whitney’s version of “When a Man Loves a Woman” about as inspiring as that unimaginative little black dress Whitney was sporting. It might make good kindling for that weekend camping trip she mentioned.


Thank goodness Robot Cowboy Troy got the three minutes in the spotlight that he works so hard for all season long. And accompanied by no-friend-to-PETA John Rich, no less. As much as Stormy somewhat enjoys CT’s stepford co-host smile each week, she’s beginning to think that his 15 seconds of fame just might be up. Troy’s no cowboy and he’s not country. What’s wrong with this picture? There’s a reason George Strait doesn’t rap.


Well, it’s no secret that Stormy does love her some Ronnie Milsap. Stormy and Dina saw him in concert with George Strait recently, and do those two pack a powerful punch. Ronnie totally rocked the house; actually, he brought it down when he performed his hit “Stranger in my House.” When Stormy heard that familiar intro when Zac Hacker took the stage, she was hoping for the same effect. It was almost as if Zac tried too hard, and he missed some of the subtleties of that oh-so-well-written song. That song is about a desperate man whose romantic world is crumbling because he senses the presence of a third party in his relationship. Not for one minute did Stormy feel that sense of impending doom in Zac’s voice. But speaking of impending doom, did anyone else happen to catch that look that Ma Hacker shot toward Anastasia? Oh, my! To quote the incredible wordsmith Rodney Crowell, if looks could kill, then Anastasia would be pushing up some daisies. Ma Hacker’s expression clearly said, “Anastasia, you say one more negative thing about my boy, and I’ll jerk a knot in your tail.” And Stormy believes Ma Hacker could take Anastasia. She would put her in a choke hold while Pa Hacker thrashed her with that jacket fringe. Ouch! It will be Ma and Pa Hacker’s own version of a Smackdown!


Speaking of a smackdown, Anastasia, you did not remove your chewing gum on national television? Oh, yes, you did! Stormy saw that when she reviewed the show later Thursday night. Have you no class? Stormy’s mother taught her that only five-year-olds and ladies on the corners of undesirable streets chew gum in public. Have you no home training, Anastasia?


While we on the topic of the Hackers, let Stormy just say how very, very, very disappointed she is with Angela Hacker’s song selection. Now Angela, if you’re reading (and we know that you are), Shania Twain’s songs are not stellar. They are not million-selling hits because of their lyrical content. No one sits around and ponders the meaning behind a Shania Twain song because, well, there simply is none. Shania is a mega-superstar because her bubble gum songs are the products of unmatched production, unbridled sexiness, great packaging, and miraculous marketing. Shania could sell ice to Eskimos if she pitched the frozen stuff via song. Until you can prowl across the desert in a Marc Jacobs leopard-print hooded ensemble like Shania did in “That Don’t Impress Me Much,” Stormy would suggest you stay far away from Shania’s repertoire. To put it simply, your performance didn’t impress Stormy much.


Now, Joshua Stevens. What’s up with your fainting problems? Stormy suggests you get a handle on this ASAP. You know the show’s producers won’t dare place you in a high-stress situation (i.e. the finals) if you pose any risk of kissing the floor. And finally, Joshua, your performance made Blake Shelton rub his brow. Now, that’s going to give Blakey premature wrinkles, and Stormy simply cannot have that. Furrows on that face simply will not do.


Speaking of Blakey, Stormy caught his eye last night, and she’s completely smitten. Could this be love? Look out Miranda. If Stormy has her way, you’ll be that crazy ex-girlfriend that you love to sing about. Blakey, call Stormy. You know the number.


David St. Romain, DSR, so you don’t want to sing about the sad things in life? Please! You do know that country music’s most legendary songs have been known to evoke a tear. Stormy has enjoyed a good cry on more than one occasion by simply cranking up Tammy Wynette’s “Til I Can Make it on My Own” or Hank Williams “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry.” Oh, Stormy doesn’t even want to think about the emotional floodgates that open when she hears Patsy Cline wail on “Walkin’ After Midnight.” DSR, Stormy suggests you become better acquainted with the foundation upon which you hope to one day stand. Stormy’s already looking forward to next week’s performance of “Anymore” since your take on Gary Allan’s “The One” really wasn’t the one. FYI, DSR: You better make sure there’s a tear in your beer. You know it’s bad when your performance leaves Randy Owen so disappointed that he simply can’t speak. He couldn’t even tell you what a good daddy you are. You know you’ve hit an all-time low when that happens.


Stormy so enjoys when the producers send the entire cast out to sing together, and last night did not disappoint. Did Blakey insist they throw a little “Kerosene” on the fire with that Whitney/Angela duet? And the Nashville Star male trio gave Stormy a great idea: a new country vocal group featuring DSR, Zac, and Joshua. It’s a win-win. It would be a Nashville Star first. Instead of spawning multiple solo careers, take advantage of the fact that there’s power in numbers. Rascal Flatts won’t know what hit ‘em.


Before Stormy leaves you this week, she must share. On the return flight from the Grammys, Stormy was flipping through a copy of a popular country music fanzine when she came upon a photo of Oak Ridge Boy Richard Sterban. While it startled Stormy for just a minute, another great idea dawned on Stormy (yes, she has an endless supply of them, in case you’re wondering): Richard and Randy Owen should unite and form country’s newest duo. They could call themselves Alabama Oak or Alabama Ridge or Alabama and a Boy or something catchy like that. This is an opportunity that should not be ignored. They’ve both got the hair, the fashion (or lack thereof) and a repertoire of hits that might give Brooks & Dunn a run for their money. Stormy thinks this idea has potential.


Who will emerge to wear the next Nashville Star crown? Will Ma and Pa Hacker be celebrating? Will DSR’s little girl grow up on a tour bus? Or will Joshua have a fainting spell before a sold-out arena? Tune in next week as we get one step closer to crowning a winner. Meanwhile, I’m Stormy Weather, and I’m seeing stars. . . . Nashville Stars.