Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

Monique Is Just Too Unique For Nashville Star

Buenos días, Nashville Star Fans! It was with great difficulty that Stormy settled into her VIP seat at the Acuff Theatre for the big show. Of course, Stormy has overzealous fans to deal with but this week, she had major issues. Burning issues. Stormy arrived in Music City fresh off a week of spring break in Cancun sporting the most painful sunburn. Granted, in a few days Stormy's warm glow will look every bit as marvelous as Anastasia’s mystic tan. It may be painful but at least Stormy’s tan came from the islands--not a spray hose in a tiny booth.


Stormy settled in as best she could, given the urge to scratch in a public setting. Fortunately, the thought of the legendary Kenny Rogers performing live, right before Stormy’s very eyes was inspiration enough. Of course, Stormy was just a twinkle in her daddy’s eye when Kenny Rogers was storming up the charts with hits like “The Gambler” and “You Picked a Fine Time To Leave Me Lucille.” However, thanks to her iPod, classic country stations and long road trips with good friends, Stormy knows every single Kenny Rogers tune--even those beautiful duets with the beloved Dottie West.


Upon hearing that Kenny would be performing the megahit “Islands in the Stream,” Stormy could not help but wonder who would sing the part of Stormy’s fashion icon and hero, the legendary Miss Dolly Parton. Would the twins attend the big show? Oh, you know what Stormy meant, Kenny’s darling twin sons Justin and Jordan. Not those twins!! Shame on you! Though Miss Dolly Parton didn’t show up, she did her part, apparently hooking up a rather youthful-looking Kenny with her plastic surgeon. Kenny was every bit as entertaining as Stormy’s mother said he was. And seeing 67-year-old Kenny belting out the tunes reminded Stormy to go shopping; Stormy’s mother turns 65 in just a few short weeks. Unless Stormy can figure out how to repackage toiletries from her deluxe Mexican villa . . . but that’s another story for another day.


Seven spectacular performances were on tap for Stormy, and she was itching to get to them--literally. While she missed the warm sand between her toes, Stormy was ready for Jared Ashley singing Keith Urban’s “Love Somebody Like You.” Was it the sunburn or was the performance just a bit irritating? Stormy wasn’t feeling the love. Stormy wanted to see visions of Keith and rumored girlfriend Miss Nicole Kidman. Instead, Jared conjured up images of Nicole and Tom Cruise. That hurts. Ouch.


Stormy gives Miss Melanie Torres props for the jade-green slip dress, plain and simple. But “Cryin’” was a bit of a vocal stretch for our resident beauty queen. You may be a “Pretty Woman,” Melanie, but tread lightly on those Roy Orbison classics. In our beloved Music City, classic songs deserve classic vocals. Even with a tiny umbrella drink,
Stormy doesn’t think she would have enjoyed it.


First things first Casey Rivers, unless you have a product endorsement, please use less gel on that hair. The gel-to-hair ratio is really way out of proportion, and you glisten. As for your acoustic performance of “Your Cheatin’ Heart,” it made Stormy weepy--in a very good way. Stormy might have physically been in Nashville, but emotionally, that song took Stormy back to the beach and Carlos, who probably never heard of Hank Williams but, oh my, does he have a cheatin’ heart.


As much as Stormy wants to say something positive about Miss Kristen McNamara, the most she can offer you is this: if your career is dependent upon your vocal abilities, Stormy does believe that you’ll forever be “living on dreams and spaghetti oh’s.” Not once did Stormy ever think that she and a professional wrestler would ever see eye to
eye, physically or philosophically, but John Cena was right on the money. Twinkle twinkle Nashville Star, that’s not what Stormy thinks you are.


Chris Young, did someone tell you that Stormy is a sucker for a Keith Whitley song? “Don’t Close Your Eyes” was a real eye-opener for Stormy because for the first time, she felt your presence in this competition. You could be a contender.


Nicole Jamrose, Stormy awards you the evening’s Phoenix Award, since you appear to have risen from the ashes of the burnout that was last week’s performance. You wowed the judges much more than you wowed Stormy, but then again, Stormy is convinced that only two-thirds of them are paying attention. Would someone kindly wake Phil? We’ve got
a show to do.


Matt Mason, Stormy shouldn’t gush, but how can she help it? Stormy doesn’t even like David Allen Coe, but who cares? Our little Mattie, those sideburns, that comment, and let Stormy quote you, “Whisky on ice and women on fire.” Well, that was Stormy sending smoke signals from the third row. After that performance, Stormy was definitely on fire, and she feels pretty confident it wasn’t the sunburn. Call Stormy; she has the cutest tan lines to go with those adorable sideburns.


Oh, Monique LeCompte, please give our regards to Broadway, because Stormy can truly see you taking a bow on the great white way one fine day. You go girl!


You didn’t think Stormy would let the week pass by without the “judges’ roundup,” now did you? Stormy’s favorite new phrase from Anastasia: “Find your point of difference,” followed closely by “do the math.” Yes, Anastasia, please, do the math. Add up the “fashion don’ts,” beginning with that vest you were wearing and multiply by the number of gold chains. The answer: infinitely disastrous. And Stormy would be remiss if she did not give a shout out to Phil. Literally. “Wake up, Phil!” Better yet, phone in your commentary from the sofa at home where you would look and be more comfortable and less irritating to Stormy. And this is all about Stormy, isn’t it?


Stormy couldn’t be any happier. Well, actually, she could go back to Cancun but instead she’ll stay in Music City because one of her absolute best girlfriends, Miss Sara Evans, rocks the house next week. Stormy can’t wait to hear one of her favorite songs, “Cheatin’.” Those classic country lines about “paper plates and pork and beans” just make Stormy proud to be a country music fan. Hasta la vista! Stormy has to empty the sand from her suitcase along with a few other unmentionables. Until then, I’m Stormy Weather, and I’m seeing stars . . . Nashville Stars!