Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

They Write The Songs That Make The Whole World, Close Friends & Family Members Sing

Stormy realizes that you expect her to read that she just arrived in town, having jetted in from some exotic location just in time for this week’s review. However, as luck would have it, Stormy was in Music City for the CMT Music Awards on Monday evening. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of Stormy . . . Stormy was seated so close to big winner Keith Urban that she could smell the Nicole on him. Speaking of Keith’s would-be fiancé, Stormy can’t help but remind Nicole of what Stormy’s 98-year-old Mimmi says, “Never marry a boy prettier than you.” It’s advice that has served Stormy well.


Since Stormy knows as well as anyone that it all started with a song, she could not have been more excited about settling into her VIP seat at the Acuff Theatre for an exciting evening of performances featuring songs written by Jared, Nicole, Matt, Kristen, Casey, and Chris. Of course, being the wordsmith that Stormy is, she’s by far more critical than most--and without doubt offers more of an opinion than judge Phil Vassar. Well, so does a potted plant for that matter, but read on for Stormy’s wildly popular judges’ review. It’s worth the wait, Stormy assures you.


Was it nerves or was Jared Ashley’s performance just, shall Stormy utter this word, “bad?” Stormy realizes how trying it can be to write a song, to sound witty, insightful and compelling while also trying to rhyme. But, just what were you trying to do, Jared? “If You Ain’t Got a Redneck, Get You One.” So many great redneck-themed songs come to mind when Stormy ponders. “Redneck Woman,” “Rednecks, White Socks and Blue Ribbon Beer,” “It’s Alright To Be a Redneck,” the list just goes on and on. Sort of like the headache Stormy has after hearing this song. Pass the Excedrin, please.


Chris Young, “Drinking Me Lonely Tonight” left Stormy with a little tear in her eye. Quite honestly, Stormy thinks Phil was crying. Yet another welcome sign of emotion from Phil. Stormy is just a pushover for a guitar, a stool and a cute guy. Not that Stormy can relate to those lyrics, but she felt as if you, Chris, had lived them. Like you wallowed around in your jammies for a week or so in a pity pool. It was time well spent, indeed.


Hours later, Nicole Jamrose, and Stormy is still desperately in search of your song’s melody. Did you leave it backstage? Let’s talk, Nicole, woman to woman. Stormy to Nicole. The only positive thing about your performance was your super-cute highlights. That song, on the other hand, could use a makeover. All over.


Matt Mason, you had Stormy from the first line-- “I don’t believe in love at first sight.” Well, I think Stormy proved that wrong about five weeks ago. Oh, you better believe in love at first sight, Mattie. Quite honestly, Stormy wasn’t hanging on every word, but what Stormy and Mattie have goes beyond words. Who needs them, right? Actually, Stormy thought the song was rather boring and uninspiring; only those cute sideburns saved you. Fortunately, Stormy wore her “Rock the Vote” t-shirt just for you, Mattie.


Casey Rivers, what pressure, after the judges pointed out that, in the words of Anastasia, “America has made a big mistake.” She was referring to you! Perhaps this is fodder for your next big song. It might be called “Sticking Around After Everyone Else Just Stuck it to Me.” Just when Stormy wanted to root for the underdog, you make the big mistake that was that song. And Stormy means really big mistake, Casey. Stormy means like LeeAnn-Womack-with-hair-extension BIG mistake.


Could the judges and hostess Wynonna have been any meaner to Casey Rivers as they were bidding farewell to Kristen McNamara? Oh, my! Kristen’s departure might as well serve as a perfect segue for Stormy’s weekly, often quoted and much talked about judges’ review. Phil, did Stormy actually hear you refer to the remaining male contestants as a “sausage factory?” Stormy believes she did. Perhaps Stormy should be grateful for the display of emotion. And Anastasia, aside from being wrapped in what looked like a silk packing blanket, why didn’t you storm the stage and just beat the crap out of Casey, leaving him unable to sing, thereby ensuring Kristen a performance slot? Or since you are so sure she deserves a deal, have your husband -- the illustrious Mr. Tony Brown -- sign her on the dotted line today. Stormy says stand by your words sister! And may Stormy just add that she was supremely impressed with guest judge and 14-time Grammy winner David Foster. Of course, Stormy loves a man who can incorporate the word “stunning” into a random comment. Even more so if the comment is directed at Stormy, but that’s beside the point.


Stormy can’t wait for next week when you’ll find Stormy’s ‘Honky Tonk Badonkadonk’ in her usual VIP seats to see Mr. Trace Adkins. Of course, Stormy realizes it’s that time when you wish that Stormy would simply share with you, her devoted readers, just who she thinks will be crowned the next “Nashville Star.” But she can’t. Just a hint, you ask? Not a chance, dear readers. But just as sure as Porter Wagoner will wear a Nudie suit on this weekend’s Opry, Stormy will return with her insightful commentary. And Stormy is counting the minutes until Lady Marmalade, Miss Patti LaBelle takes her rightful place at the judges’ table. Stormy will undoubtedly be asking “Voulez-vous Coucher to go to the winner’s circle Avec Moi Ce Soir.” Until then, I’m Stormy Weather, and I’m seeing stars . . . Nashville Stars that is!